1. First, decide as a family if you want to celebrate Gotcha Day. Not every adoptive family will celebrate it. So far, we celebrate it. But if there comes a point in our son’s life where he does not want to celebrate it anymore, we won’t. But also, decide if you are going to celebrate a birthday and Gotcha Day separately. In our household, we do. Our son’s birthday and Gotcha Day are roughly six months apart. But we do not celebrate them in the same way. His actual birthday, we celebrate with extended family and friends. But his Gotcha Day we celebrate together as a family of three. It is symbolic to our family as the day he officially became ours. It is intimate to us. It is special to the three of us.
2. Honor his/her birth parents or foster parents. Again, this may not be the case for everyone but in our family it is. We have a very open relationship with our son’s birth mom and make it a point to tell his birth story and the story about the day we went to court and officially adopted him. But we also make it a point to stop and thank his birth mom for giving us the opportunity to be his parents, because without her we wouldn’t be parents, and he wouldn’t be who is without her.
3. In the same fashion, if you adopted internationally or cross-culturally, celebrate your child’s heritage on Gotcha Day. Maybe there is some pain and loss in the actual Gotcha Day, pick a day (celebrate the same day every year) and celebrate their culture of origin. Maybe it is a trip to a new museum. Maybe it is a trip to a more diverse city. Maybe it is a trip to a different style restaurant, or maybe even making some of their traditional dishes. The point is, don’t let your child forget where she or he came from. You may have always wanted to adopt a child and you’re excited to have him/her in your home, just remember there is still a place of “loss” in your child’s heart. Be respectful of that. 
4. I have heard people call it “Family Day” or “Adoption Day” instead of Gotcha Day. Gotcha can seem offensive to some adoption situations, usually that of older adopted children. If your child was adopted later in life, the term “gotcha” seems as though we got you and someone else didn’t. It can be a hurtful reminder of what was lost in the adoption process, not necessarily a positive of what was gained. Keep it mindful of your child and those around you.
5. Remember that it is not about you as parents, but it is about the child. Make it about him/her. Tell your child’s story. Some stories do not come without pain. If it becomes too painful for your child to talk about and remember, don’t celebrate it anymore. If it has become an important celebration that he/she looks forward to every year, keep doing it. Talk to him/her about it. We as parents (unless you are adopted yourself) cannot understand what it feels like to be adopted, but we try our best. If that included celebrating Gotcha Day from the very beginning but it has gotten too difficult for the child, we have to let go of our ideas and embrace that our children are getting older and our ideas need to be adjusted.

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First, call it something other than Gotcha Day

It may be my own preference, but “Gotcha Day” is a phrase which I often associate with adopting a new pet. Many of my friends who have adopted have named this day something unique to their family, or when the child has gotten old enough, let them name their special day. My husband and I were so excited for our first Mother’s and Father’s days. So in our family, we felt that there should be a ‘Daughter’s Day’ to designate how special she is to us. The day our adoption was finalized in the courts is now ‘Daughter’s Day’ in our house. I have friends  who celebrate ‘Sunshine Day’ and others, ‘Family Day.’ I’ve also heard ‘Family Birthday’ and ‘Our Anniversary Day.’

Make a special tradition

Our daughter is three now, and ice cream is her favorite food on the planet. On Daughter’s Day, we get to have ice cream for dinner. She also gets to pick what we will do for the day. On the first anniversary, we went to the local children’s museum and played for hours. Last year, we attended a strawberry festival at our local farm, where she could have a hayride, pick strawberries, and pet animals.  

I have a friend who celebrates their special day by doing service in their community with their child in the name of the birth family, to honor them. Another family I know celebrates their day by going away for a night to a hotel with a pool (what little kid doesn’t love to swim?.). I have family that makes or goes out to dinner with their now 22-year-old daughter, watches family videos, and looks at pictures still to this day. Your celebration of this day doesn’t have to be something elaborate. The point is to make this tradition something special to your family that you can return to each year, and build upon as your child grows up and helps to shape the day. 

Let friends and family know

Whatever you decide to name your day, it’s special. This day is one that only families built by adoption have. I’ve found that letting your closest friends and family–your ‘village’–know about this special day and the choice to celebrate it, helps my daughter know that this is a part of her story; it’s important and real. Family and friends have sent cards, presents, or called to wish her a happy day. Their love and recognition on this day envelopes her in a deeper love.

Remember how it all started

Every family has a different relationship and story as it pertains to the birth family. Some families, for one reason or another, do not have an existing relationship with the birth family.  This is all about what makes each story so special and unique. No one experience is better than another. But on Daughter’s Day, I make sure to tell my daughter her story again. Holding her on my lap, I’m able to describe the flight out to the state she was born in, how she was born the very next morning, on her due date (!!) I love to watch her face as she listens to the sentimental and sometimes silly details of our journey. On Daughter’s Day, I like to sit with my daughter and thank her birth mother for the extremely difficult choice she made, and conversely, the immense blessing she bestowed upon us. I thank her and talk about her with my daughter. My daughter. Our daughter.

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